Swiping for Sperm: Health, Height, Hobbies — and How it Works
Here’s what selecting a sperm donor is really like — and everything they made me learn.
Shopping for DNA is harder than swimsuit shopping. Scrolling for genetics changes the game when it comes to how we typically swipe humans on apps — the stakes are a bit higher when you get no first date and lock right into the rest of your life.
This isn’t something most Canadians have to think about or consider. According to a study in Reproductive Health, that used 2011 census data, 70% of sperm bank users in Canada are same-sex couples and single women — I was going to be a target user either way. Other BIPOC aspiring parents can sometimes struggle with finding donors with the same racial backgrounds as them — luckily for me, I was interested in buying some privilege for my unborn young — so, a sweet soy/vanilla swirl was in the plan for me anyway.
I was really excited when my fertility clinic unlocked the sperm donor directory for me — that glee quickly turned to overwhelm when I was met with the reality of a sperm donors profile — genetic testing, blood types, CMV statuses, heights, weights, hobbies, star signs and other criteria that paralyzed my decision making.
There was only one thing to do: make a spreadsheet.
My donor was going to be an American
In the states, they have laws that allow sperm donors to receive compensation for their time, unlike Canada. They say 90-95% of donated sperm used in our home and native land is imported from our friends in the United States. There is criticism on the sperm-donation industry down there — big feelings, questions of ethics and a whole host of concerns. For example, sperm banks south of the border offer anonymity for their donors — which can be tricky for families like the one I’m hoping to breed. Evolving genetics and health developments — especially as we grow — eventually matter and answers for these are helpful.
A counselor at my clinic encouraged me to find a donor with an ID release — which would keep him anonymous for me, but make his contact available for my pending offspring to reach out to if they had any medical inquiries after they turned 18. Some donors have Facebook groups for their sets of siblings to community build.
The directory I was searching had donors located in California. If Canadian donors were off the table — at least I’d get 50% of my future child’s genetics from a blue state.
Canadian sperm donors receive no payment, according to The Walrus. So, it’s no surprise there is only one sperm bank in Canada. It’s been this way since 2004, when Canada’s Assisted Human Reproductive Act was changed to make it illegal to pay for sperm.
Selecting a donor ended up being harder than I thought
Foden came over one day and we narrowed down donor profiles — donors who would release their ID for medical reasons for the future human, healthy genetics that complimented my own, no one very religious and we stuck to soy (Asian) and vanilla (white) sperm donors.
How would I know if their genetics made sense with mine? I got myself genetically tested. Having tested negative for almost everything (thank you mom and dad) — I did test positive for a rare gene mutation. I carry the intersex gene — scientifically listed as 46,XY disorder of sex development due to 5-alpha-reductase 2 deficiency. So, just had to avoid anyone with that. They did question my sex at one point — but that’s a story for another day — I can confirm that I am, in fact, a normal, healthy XX.
After we created a short list, I circulated the spreadsheet with our top picks for women in my life to vote. To counter that patriarchal garbage of the past — remember when women needed a man to open a bank account? Well, in my sweet gaysian world — I only let women vote.
And they did.
I was waitlisted for sperm
Actually. Though I was immediately horrified with the idea that my future child could be starring on a true crime doc after discovering their 87th sibling. I was OK to pivot and sniff out a more available donor.
My first pick for a donor was only able to participate in siblings for his previous donors — clearly he had trending sperm. Of course, there are no regulations in Canada for how many times a donor’s sperm can actually be used to breed. But, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine does offer guidelines and suggests a limit of 25 children per donor in a population of 800,000. This lack of clarity and regulation obviously can lead to messy situations — which, I want no part in. So, for my first round I went for a half-Asian donor and in my second, I went full vanilla — but with a donor who was 5’9. People, especially straight women, had a lot to say about this. For me, he had a good voice, strong genetic potential and I just kept going back to his profile. It felt right.
Before the fertility clinic, I tried organic DIYs at home
While I am currently on my second round of IVF, before I started officially working with my fertility clinic I tried to inseminate myself at home with a volunteer donor. I printed contracts, ran them by a lawyer, tracked my cycle with apps, stocked up on ovulation kits and thermometers — and tried to DIY a pregnancy with a donor each month, no intercourse involved. I tried a Diva Cup, turkey baster and syringe. The cup happened only once because it turned out my cervix is high and I couldn’t get it out, even after 13 hours. I took two showers, a bath, tried to birth it out, push the back of a spoon — and couldn’t get it out. I cried to Foden, who generously offered to help. “I just can’t have another colleague inside me — but I really appreciate the offer,” I told her. That other one had to come by and fish it out. We ordered UberEats and watched Hercules after.
50% me, 50% imported genetics (voted on) → 100% already loved
Most people don’t question their partners genetic history nor do they go through intense rounds of testing. When I get overwhelmed with decision fatigue, I remind myself of this.
Not to get toxic positive, but I do try to practice gratitude for the ability to opt for syringes over dudes. The benefits of PGT-A testing embryos are improved pregnancy success rates and reducing the risk of miscarriages — let’s be real, I’m a data-driven nerd who does not need to consult a partner to make big decisions — I use data instead. I also do this thing where I think about how I can sleep without disturbance now and appreciate it — because I know that when my solo mom journey begins, this will no longer be my reality.
Double screening lately
You season five — I can never tell if I even like this show. But I think I liked the last season?
The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives — Season two is out! Can MomTok even survive this?
Feel Good — Did a re-watch and remembered Mae Martin mistaking me for another Asian and then inviting me to her Toronto show. Also, straight girl George is the same actress as Kate from You so I was down to seeing more of her face.
Reading
Friendflation — the conversations started last year but it turns out that if you find keeping up with your friends is expensive, you are not alone.
Bruce Springsteen speaks out — the boss calling out the trump administration. he’s not just dancing in the dark.
Male bias in medical trials risks women’s lives. But at least the data gap is finally being addressed — Author of Invisible Women points out women are 50% more likely than men to be misdiagnosed after a heart attack, as she sniffs out studies and data for more.
Listening
Come To My Window — Melissa Etheridge (a lil classic gay)
How Do U Want It (ft. K-Ci & JoJo) — 2Pac, K-Ci & JoJo (did this immediately make you want to listen to All My Life?)
Carnival — Natalie Merchant
AI Prompt of the Issue
Korean TikTok came in clutch and taught me to prompt ChatGPT for a destiny read. I like to compare this with my western natal chart and have her do a compare and contrast of the charts.
Can you give me a full and detailed Four Pillars of Destiny (SaJu) reading including personality, analysis, ideal careers, relationship tendencies, health insights and decade based luck flow? My birthday is (Month, day, year), I was born at birth timeAM/PM and I am female/male. Please use the solar calendar.
Friendship Spotlight
In honour of my recent third annual Chinatown platonic friendship couples massage (with delicious eats to follow!) with Foden, I’m spotlighting my old colleague and good friend. Back when we did work together, she used to advocate for less heteronormative celebrations as part of our work culture — aiming to provide inclusivity for those who opted out of marriage and children. I love this still. Why not celebrate a millennial who managed to purchase a home during the housing crisis? Why not have a zodiac reveal over a gender reveal? Let’s celebrate real life milestones versus the ones prescribed by the patriarchy? I will always spotlight inspiring feminists who challenge the status quo of life and encourage open thinking. I’m lucky to have this one as a friend.
Next up: Would you be more interested in learning about eating for fertility when you have ADHD or read about friendships in your 40s and how ChatGPT became my best friend?